So I’m an 18 m and I’m gay. I’m likewise really picky when it comes to dating chaps and relationships.

I met a guy online though an phenomenon with my friends and we really hit it off. After the occasion I messaged him saying he was cute and he seemed really nice. We started talking to each other and instantaneously clicked. We would have exchanges( over verse) that they are able to last weeks without stopping and we would be in video announces every night till 4am. We both declared we really liked each other and I certainly tried my best cuz I acknowledge I was falling for him. He lives about three hours apart but I got a car so I could drive. I was always really busy with labour so never actually had the time to meet up for the working day. We certainly both liked each other and would admit that to each other daily.

Well one day something from my last creeped up on me and I had to talk about it with him

So for some context, in the past when I was about 13/14 I mostly sexually aggression one of my female friends. I genuinely am not proud of it and that person was a different part of my life and I’m not that person today. What I did was wrong and I dislike that I did that. I had a fucked up view on gender as a kid and was introduced to porn and jacking off way too early and it demoralized my opinion and what I though other families looks are of sex.

I looked the girl come up on Instagram so I messaged her apologising for the what I did and I know an apologetic isn’t enough but we both talked about it and she understand that I am a different person and forgives me for what I did.

The next day I felt like I should tell that guy I was talking to about what I did because I felt so guilty and I almost was almost like I wanted to punish myself. I told him what I had done and that it was a different part of my life snd not who I am now. He took it really badly and instant didn’t talk to me and blocked me on everything. Even though I repented telling him, I felt like I “ve earned it”. It really transgress me and introduced me into one of the most difficult depressive governments I was In. I felt rightfully alone and that I was a monster. I even hard about suicide and tried to kill myself in a forest near where I grew up.( Since then. That woodland and that pool became quite spiritual to me and I would go there almost everyday thinking about what I nearly did)

A month after this happened I drunkenly messaged him saying it was all forgery and that I just said that cuz I didn’t deserve him. I know that was wrong of me to do and I please I didn’t.

Recently he started streaming on blink again( the last age he did was around the time I told him about that trash) and it popped up on my phone and assure his face for the first time I’m like 6 months. I time dropped to the floor crying. I don’t know if I still have feelings for him as person or persons but I still miss time feeling that safe with person and feeling like someone cared. He has a boyfriend now and I don’t know if I’m watchful or not.

I tried dating shortly after we “broke up” and I converged some delightful people but no one performed me feel like I “couldve been” myself. I congregated one person that was really sweet to me and understood my emotions but he went to uni and didn’t want a relationship in the way of that. I likewise didn’t feel the same way I felt about this person im talking about.

I time don’t know what to do. I’m very lonely I’m general. Not just with dating. I can’t find any friends and the only friend I have lifetimes 5 hours apart. I just feel so alone and I merely wish I had the same feeling I had when I was with this guy.

submitted by / u/ Idontknowwhoian [ association ] [ observation ]

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