The Best Jokes, from A to Z

What’s the funniest joke? That’s a tough question, with so many to choose from. For example, there are the thinking person’s jokes that take a second, such as “A Roman legionnaire goes into a saloon, holds up two paws, and says,’ Five beers, please.’ ” There are the non-thinking person’s jokes, like the ones daddies tell: “You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but what are you while you’re in there? European.” We’ve channel-surf the Internet, scoured joke notebooks, and sat through hours of Uncle Ned’s sharing of his choicest yuks to bring you the best gags( at least the ones we can run in Reader’s Digest ). See if you concur. Too, check out the funniest jokes on the Internet.

A: Animals

A man is standing on the constrain preparing to cross the street. As soon as he steps down onto the pavement, a auto comes squeaking toward him. The pedestrian picks up speed, but so does the car. The soldier turns around and rapidities back to the sidewalk, but the car mutates lanes and intelligences instantly for him. The dazed pedestrian freezes in the middle of the intersection. The gondola closes in on him and at the last possible second howls to a halt. The driver’s-side window reels down, disclosing a squirrel behind the pedal. “See, ” gibes the squirrel, “it’s not so easy, is it? ”

B: Bar( boy ambles into a)

A man treads into a rooftop saloon and makes a seat. “What are you drinking? ” he requests the person next to him. “Magic brew, ” the person replies. “Oh yeah? What’s so mystical about it? ” “Watch.” The chap swigs some brew, steps over and dives off the roof, flies around the building, and then returns to his posterior with a jubilant smile. “Amazing!” the first man says. “Lemme try some of that! ” He grabs the beer, quaffs it down, leaps off the roof–and sinks 15 narrations to the sidewalk. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re real annoying when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Did you know that if you like dark jokes like this one, it could be a sign of genius?

Blondes

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty movements to her paw. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that highway? ” she necessitates. “What does hair pigment have to do with my worth as a human being? ” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an confession. “You keep out of this! ” she whoops. “I’m talking to that little schmuck on your knee! ”

C: Chickens, traversing the road

Why did the chicken cross the road? CIA: “Give us five minutes with the chickens and we’ll find out.”

Crime

A brand-new captive is in his cadre when a enunciate from across the cellblock cries out, “Twenty-two! ” Suddenly, all the prisoners crack up. Another singer announces out, “Forty-one! ” sending the prisoners into greater hoots of humour. “What’s going on? ” the newbie invites his cellmate. “We’ve been in prison so long, we’ve memorized each other’s jokes. So rather than retell the same jokes, we’ve ascribed them numbers.” The brand-new prisoner decides to give it a shot and wails out for all to hear, “Eighteen! ” There’s no response , not even a smirk. “What happened? ” he requests. His cellmate shrugs. “You didn’t tell it well.”

Crisis, midlife

A couple is sitting in the living room sipping wine. Out of the blue, the spouse says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking? ” requests the spouse. “It’s me, ” says the partner. “Talking to the wine.”

If that one smacked close to home, you’ll enjoy these love and matrimony caricatures that are hilariously accurate.

D: Doctors

When a rich industrialist began to choke on a fish bone at a restaurant, a doctor accommodated adjacent sprang up and performed the Heimlich maneuver, saving the man’s life. “Thank you, thank you! ” said the businessman. “Please, I insist on compensating you. Time worded the fee.” “OK,” said the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat? ”

E: Eternal life

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright, comedian

“Everything’s large-scale in Texas! ”

A blind man calls Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big! ” “Everything’s large-scale in Texas, ” says the bellhop. The humanity leaders downstairs to the bar, adjudicates onto a huge barstool, and fiats a beer. A pot is placed between his hands. “Wow, these beverages are large-scale! ” “Everything’s large-hearted in Texas, ” says the bartender. After downing a few, the blind man asks where the lavatory is. “Second door to the right, ” says the bartender. The blind male managers for the bathroom but inadvertently opens the door that leads to the swimming pool and precipitates in. Popping his head up from under the spray, he beats his arms and hollers, “Don’t flush! Don’t flush! ”

F: Food

It would be embarrassing trying to show what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. “Yeah, the appetizer–that’s the nutrient we gobble before “were having” our menu. No , no, you’re thinking of dessert–that’s food we have after we have our food.” — Jim Gaffigan, comedian

Funerals

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. This wants, to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the coffin than doing the eulogy. — Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

You can’t help but jest at these anti-jokes.

G: Gallows humor

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease called after me. — Steve Martin, comedian

H: Heaven

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged wife has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die? ” she requests. Deity says, “No. You have 30 more times to live.” With 30 times to look forward to, she decides to represent the best use of it. So, since she’s already in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her cheeks. She looks great! The era she’s accomplished, she exits the hospital with a swagger, pass wall street, and is strike immediately by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live, ” she grumbles. “That’s true-blue, ” says God. “So what happened? ” God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

K: Knock, Knock

Knock, blow. Who’s there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I had no idea you could yodel.

Anyone can remember these witty bar jokes.

L: Solicitors

A lawyer sent a record to a client. “Dear Jim: Thought I “ve seen you” on the street the other day, traversed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back. One tenth of an hour: $25. ”

Light bulbs

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. He supports the bulb while the world revolves around him. How many manics does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?

M: Marriage

A man is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the adjudicate. The adjudicator questions, “How numerous peaches were in the can? ” The boy replies, “Six, Your Honor.” “In all such cases, you will go to jail for six periods, one for each peach.” Hearing that, his wife stands and says, “Your Honor, he likewise stole a can of peas.”

Armed

A drill sergeant ground out one of his cadets. Then he smiled coyly and said, “I guess when I die you’ll dance on my grave.” The cadet sway his head. “Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I came out of the Army, I’d never stand in another line.”

Musicians

A woman is on trial for beating up her faithless boulder wizard husband with his guitar collecting. The referee queries her, “First offender? ” “No,” she says. “First a Gibson, then a Fender.”

Calling all parole morons! You’ll regard these grammar jokes.

N: New Yorkers

Born and spawned in Manhattan, Larry and Jane left the city to buy a cattle ranch in Wyoming. Months last-minute, a friend pilot out for a call. “So, what did you identify the ranch? ” he requested. “At firstly, we couldn’t agree on anything, ” said the new cowboy. “We lastly settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.” “Wow!” His friend was amazed. But looking around, he saw no cow. “So where are all the cows? ” “None of them survived the branding.”

Nutty professors

A mathematician saunters home at 3 a.m ., and his irate wife whoops, “You’re late! You said you’d be home by 11:45! ” “Actually,” the mathematician replies, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

These are the most amusing jokes of all time.

O: Old age

An elderly couple go to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes misfortune on them and offers to buy the wife her own snack. “It’s all right, ” says the spouse. “We share everything.” A few minutes later, the trucker notes that the partner hasn’t taken a bite. “I genuinely wouldn’t mind buying her her own snack, ” he contends. “She’ll chew, ” the partner assures him. “We share everything.” Unconvinced, the trucker asks the spouse, “Why won’t you gobbled? ” The spouse snaps, “Because I’m waiting for the teeth! ”

P: Phones

A woman strolls into a doctor’s part with both of her ears burned. “What happened? ” queries medical doctors. “While I was ironing my blouse, the phone rang, and I picked up the cast-iron instead of the phone, ” she says. “That interprets one ear, but what about the other? ” “The schmuck called again! ”

Politicians

At the turn of the 19 th century, a senator made a speech to a Scandinavian settlement in Minnesota. First, he promised lower taxes, and the gathering enthusiastically screamed, “Tinka! Tinka! ” Encouraged by the response, he then predicted better public equipment. “Tinka! Tinka! ” On a go, he promised to increase their regions by 50 percent. “Tinka! Tinka! ” Walking apart, he told the settlement leader, “I guess they loved me.” The captain shrugged before saying, “Hey, watch out. You virtually stepped in that large-scale mound of tinka.”

Check out these candid cartoons about politics and coin.

Pun

I can’t believe I was fired from the docket factory. All I did was take a day off.

R: Religion

Louie was shipwrecked and lived alone on a desert island for years until he was finally rescued. Before leaving the island, he made the save party a safarus. “I constructed myself a room. That’s it there. Here’s the barn, and over here is the church I worshipped in, ” he said. “What’s that structure over there? ” one of the savers invited. Louie sneered. “That’s the church I used to belong to.”

S: Science

A scientist ambles into a pharmacy and says, “Give me some organized tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.” “Do you entail aspirin?” queries the pharmacist. The scientist smackings his forehead. “That’s it! I can never retain the name.”

Sex

A sex therapist has a theory that duos who make love formerly a daylight are the happiest. So he researches it at a seminar by asking those made, “How many people now make love once a day? ” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week? ” A third of the audience members collect their hands, their grinnings a bit less vibrant. “Once a few months? ” A few pass tepidly go up. Then he invites, “OK, how about once a year? ” A soldier in the back rushes up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked–this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year, why are you so happy? ” The soul roars, “Because today’s the day! ”

T: Therapy

A psychologist congratulated his case on making good progress, but the patient wasn’t buying it. “You call this progress? ” he snarled. “Six months ago, I was Napoleon. Now I’m nobody! ”

Toilet Humor

Why do they fasten service station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will cleanse them? — George Carlin, comedian

Everyone will laugh at these corny jokes.

U: UFOs

Two martians are watching Earth from the security concerns of their spaceship. “This is interesting, ” says the first. “The biped genus on this planet has developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.” “Are they an emerging intelligence? ” requests the second alien. “I don’t think so. They have them all targeted at themselves.”

V: Vegetarians

Did you hear about the vegan monster worshipper? He sold his soul to seitan.

W: Work

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back agony for years. Can you facilitate me? ” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant succour. The second chap drawn attention to his thick glass and entreats for a panacea for his poor eyesight. When the angel pitches the lenses into the lake, the three men additions 20/20 see. As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability! ”

If you liked that one, you’ll desire these funny work animations to get you through the week.

X: X-ercise

The first time I check a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. — Joan Rivers, comedian

Y: Yo Mama!

Yo mama is so old-time, when she was young, rainbows were black and white.

Z: Zoos

When the zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires a mime to dress up as the gorilla and get into the cage until he knows a replacement parrot. The pantomime promptly discovers what a great gig he has. He is asleep, dally, and “re making fun of” beings the working day, and he’s drawing bigger mobs than he ever has. Eventually, the crowd tires of him and starts compensating more attention to the lion in the next enclose. Miffed, the mime soars to the top of his enclosure, crawlings across a partition, and hangs from the upper part of the lion’s enclose, teasing the big cat. The bunch enjoys it, but the lion is impetuous. That is, until the mime slips and falls into his pen. The lion pokes his choppers and slowly walks toward him. Time as the lion is about to pounce, the panic-struck mime screams, “Help me! ” With that, the lion hurries on top of the pantomime, fetches his snarling maw inches from his face, and says, “Shut up! You was necessary to get us both shot? ”