Couple of years ago, I was tripping by one of the double-sleeper berthed, night buses with 4 of my friends( 2 chaps and 2 girls ).( Very close at that time .) It was during the end-of-semester thesis review..my final time of graduation. One of the people had a crush on one of the girls and he sought her to expend some time with him on the upper bay to talk about his feelings, while his friend( whom I shared an elder sister and younger brother bond with, right from the first year of college, as he was younger than the majority of members of us in the batch and everybody knew about this) and I remained on the lower delivery watching FRIENDS as they spoke because the other girl said she wanted to sleep on the birth next to ours. While everyone else was asleep and we were still watching the sitcom, I felt I was unknowingly dosing off to sleep and that’s when it happened.

I felt his hand stroking my head and while it did make me feel a little uncomfortable, I thought he was just tucking me to sleep like a brother would do for his sister or probably trying to move my president slowly in order to be allowed to close the laptop and depart sleep in another compartment without waking me up.

But then it went worse. I felt his hands move forward towards my face and then my cheeks and I froze. I just..froze.

The sentiments I felt at that point were unimaginable. As I had not only been exposed for years but I was also being molested. And by the time I understood what was happening, his hands were on his practice to pull up my tshirt from below and that’s when I SNAPPED. I hopped off. Yelled at him. Informed your best friend I wanted to sleep next to one of the girls and sought my other friend( person) to sleep next to this guy. I informed my bestfriends about all this but I couldn’t get myself to tell the details because I felt mutilated, exercised, exposed and outraged by all of it.

I spoke to one of the girls as we got off to use the restroom, when the bus halted at a terminal. She even said she was ready to slap him for me. But I didn’t know what to do at that time so I waited.

Like a geek, I waited for our thesis assess to got to get and watched that chap filled with guilt, unable to even face me, but professing like nothing happened and he did nothing wrong. And when I couldn’t are dealing with anymore, I slapped him. I Swiped him at the farewell party that happened a couple of weeks later, in front of all the juniors. The only question here was…I was mildly pissed and ANGRY. And that’s when things get worse. I don’t only knew non-eu countries, but atleast in India, when a woman comes out in public about being abused, SHE is the one that is accused. Not the man. Atleast more often than not, that’s how it is. And that’s exactly what happened to me as well.

NOBODY corroborated me except for one or two people who still never fought for me against him. Infact, he started lying to everyone that he didn’t know WHY I slammed him and his friend( daughter) sent me a text content saying I had no right to slap her friend. Without knowing what he had done to me. Heck, my own bestfriend who was also there on that very same bus that night, said, I was probably imagining all this in my sleep and that he isn’t a bad guy. She STILL talks to him like he is a nice guy. Everyone from my college talks to him. Including my ex,( they’re virtually best sidekicks now) who was abusive to me in the relationship..but I’ll came to see you that later. It still gives me anxiety. Yes I’ve been disfigured a lot…for years. Both physically and emotionally. And it’s been 8 years now since I is broken( he did when he realised I was going to end it) with that person who gaslighted me and abused me frequently for months& 5 years since I get accosted by the boy I considered my younger brother.

And still , none aids me…half of them don’t even know what happened..and they didn’t bother querying either. Nobody knew what I went through in that relationship with my ex either and they all take his side even today because they donot know what all he has done. I was alone and I felt hopeless. And I STILL feel the same. Ever since that happen, I’ve been traumatized for years now and even today, when a friend or someone close to me tries to touch me or hug me or arranges their hand on me by mistake at a sleepover, even if it’s a girl, I find it highly embarrassing. I find it hard to get intimate with parties. I feel these peculiar shivers on my organization and I now suffer from high levels of anxiety and PTSD from all of the events that occurred throughout “peoples lives” since I was a girl, that this incident triggered and opened all the quelled storages and winds of my childhood.

Like that time when I was 6 and a humankind twinkled his penis at me from his auto and I didn’t even realise it until now…the time when i was probably 8 and a lover at a Temple queue pressed my boob multiple times while I was standing with a basket of fresh fruits and flowers and I couldn’t say a word nor move. Like the time when i was coming home from school and a soul tried to press his dick against my back in the “moving” public bus, the time when I was 8 or 9 years old and was forcefully caressed on the mouth by a stranger who retained stalking teenagers in the building and I was the one who got caught…the time where reference is happened again..during a summer vacation to India…when my friend’s father who is no more right now as he died of liver damage from alcoholism. He forcibly took me to a chamber when noone was around and touched me inappropriately and caressed me and refused to let me go and open the door until I agreed with him make love. The period when I was 26 and became for a blouse acquire and one of the accumulate staff cuddled my tit in the name of taking my amounts, while my mother stood there unaware of it.

All of this still haunts me. And I get dreams of getting abused by guys everyday. I have panic attacks when I watch movies or pictures or read articles involving abuse and domestic violence against women. I am very afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of being touched. I’m afraid of being left alone in a closed gap. I’m afraid of stepping out of my own home unless it’s to meet parties I know. And today I had the daring to type all of this in detail and I still don’t feel okay.

Is this how it feels for women who get abused? Does it take times to recover? Or do we not recover at all? Is there any solution to this? I have zero selfworth and trust left inside and it has affected my professional life as well. I’ve become an introvert and I dread congregating new people which is essential for a designer to build their network. I scaped social gatherings. Even though I die to go for parties and incidents. I am unable to recover from this. I’ve tried therapy but I donot have the resources to continue with it because it’s expensive. After the pandemic got worse, it’s been a turmoil in India..a downward spiraling.

And I merely don’t know what I can do to save myself from this. So that eventually, I can save someone else and help them recover. I wanna stand up for women and children who are victims of abuse–both feeling and physical. But I need to be stable first, in order to attempt to save others. What should I do to overcome this? Does it ever go, this trauma? Will I ever sleep in peace?

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